"To All a Goodnight" (1980) on Youtube

     Nothing says Christmas like David Hess. The dean of 70s rape-o sleazoid roles, Hess specialized in playing completely irredeemable scumbag's, most notably as Krug in Wes Craven's "Last House on the Left" and then in the Italian production's "House on the Edge of the Park" and "Hitch Hike". He's also the only person involved in our Christmas movie series who hit on one of my friend's. It was a number of year's ago at a con and Hess was selling his newly printed shirt's reading "Women Love David Hess". My best friend was the first person to purchase one. Hess was elated, asking her to try it on and model it. Then he told her she should come back later in the show. Repeatedly. "No, really come back later." My friend never did take the man up on his offer, but within a year or two Hess was no longer with us, and that incident became a fond memory of a true B movie legend, who had an eye for the ladies even into his late sixties.

     "To All A Goodnight" is Hess' sole full length directorial effort. The fact that the sleazo supremo of drive-in cinema directed a Christmas movie somehow makes sense when viewed as one more chapter in a biography which includes writing song's for Elvis and penning English dubbing script's for Fassbender film's. He was a true show biz hustler, going wherever the money was. In 1980 he stepped behind the camera to give us this low budget rip-off/cash in of both "Friday the 13th" and the "All Through the House" segment of "Tales From the Crypt".

   
     We open on a pre credit sequence at "Calvin Finishing School for Girls", "Christmas Vacation Two Years Ago". It's shot with a foggy lens vignette, making the action almost indecipherable as opposed to dreamy. A group of girl's and an axe wielding Santa chase a girl through the house. Everyone seems to be having a fun time until the girl being chased accidentally plummets to her death.

     The main title sequence has a kick ass minimalist synth score. Unfortunately, the music in most of the rest of the picture isn't quite as great. During the kill scenes, though, there is some analog awesomeness.

     The movie picks back up during "Christmas Vacation The Present". A PA speaker makes endless announcements ala MASH as the student's leave for break. A group of six girl's are staying at the school during vacation, along with Mrs. Jensen (Katherine Herrington) who cooks and takes care of them and Ralph (Buck West) the lumbering simpleton red herring who enjoys barging into their rooms with garden shears. The girl's are planning on using their time off to hook up with a literal plane load of guys the boyfriend of Leia (Judith Bridges)-a somewhat annoying combination of Laraine Newman and PJ Soles - is flying in with. Soon, the bodies begin to pile up as a murderous Santa begins knocking off student's. The kill scene's are fun, the best one being a crossbow/decapitation combo on a bearskin rug; the severed noggin later makes an appearance as a shower head (what was it Chekov said about severed head's in drama?). The killer goes about their business in an orderly fashion, usually killing one couple at a time; the OCD part of my brain appreciated this patterned carnage.

     Hess made his name portraying character's specializing in unwanted advances towards women. It's interesting to note that as an auteur he creates a world in which the female's are ravenously sexual horndog's. Oddly, he also seems to think young college girl's would rather sleep with a cop who looks like a Long Island used car dealer than their handsome, plane owning boyfriend. The Hess worldview is an interesting thing.

     Alex Rebar, writer and star of "The Incredible Melting Man", penned the movie and his screenplay whittles down the slasher to it's most essential elements; it's basic even by the genre's standards. He'll generally gather the character's together in one location where they sit and engage in uninteresting dialogue, until one or two inevitably split from the group to be killed. Of course there's plenty of sex, as well discussion of getting beer and getting of said beer. More than one scene takes place in the glow of an open refrigerator. The lack of score for chunk's of the picture forces the viewer to uncomfortably notice the bland dialogue and awkward acting. Jennifer Runyon, though, who plays Nancy the virginal final girl, gives a totally decent performance.

     "To All a Goodnight" is just as grimy and artless as you'd expect a movie directed by David Hess to be. The cinematography is so murky and dark at times it becomes difficult to tell whats happening. One thing that really would have made this movie great would've been if Hess himself had stepped out from behind the camera and acted in it. It could use some of the ferocious, dangerous energy he brought to the screen.  But, if you dig low budget trash, there's some good stuff to be found here. For one, it's the only Christmas movie with classic porn star Harry Reems in it (he plays a small role as a pilot). The entire end of the picture attains the sort of dreamlike surreal atmosphere accessible only through psychotronic strangeness. There's a plane propeller death scene at the crack of dawn which has a strange feel to it. Also, throughout the last part of the movie, Leah, who has gone mad, sings and dances through the darkened house where the killer stalks. She is a haunting, unsettling image. If this sounds like it's your thing, then I say screw the "Hess Truck", make this "Hess Flick" your new holiday tradition.